spark
by charlotteicewolf77
Summary: Jake isn't stupid. And he isn't jealous. But sometimes, he wishes he had that spark, the thing that made people look on at his brother and sister in amazement and say with absolute certainty, 'that kid is going to go far'. now has a chapter 2: how to save a life. inspired by somewhere beyond reality's sometimes fic, go read that, it really is brilliant
1. spark

Title= Spark

Summary= Jake isn't stupid. And he isn't jealous. But sometimes, he wishes he had that spark, the thing that made people look on at his brother and sister in amazement and say with absolute certainty, 'that kid is going to go far'.

~0~

Jake most certainly isn't stupid and he most certainly isn't jealous. Not of his mate's parents letting them stay out all night without worrying, not of the rich actor's kids in Hollywood who always have no arguments with their parents, and certainly not of his brother and sister.

He doesn't get jealous. Who would be jealous of Ben, with his number of detentions, wacky friends and so obviously stupid theories about the universe? And who would be jealous of Karen, with her fear of burglars and need to hold onto some dumb teddy bear at 9 years old and all her stupid friends? Not him, that's who.

He isn't ever jealous, not of the fact that Ben and Karen take up almost all of mum and dad's time and the little he does get left is when they're too tired to listen to him properly, not that they have so many friends who listen to them and respect them and like them in spite of their musical tastes.

But sometimes, he just wishes that he has that spark, the one that makes Ben and Karen so brilliant and able to impress and do whatever they like no matter how stupid and make people respect them even more for it.

He just wishes that he is as crazy as that but it won't happen.

Because that spark isn't something you can make happen, either you're born with it and have it your whole life or you're born without it and just have to make do.

He remembers when Ben and Karen were born and within a few hours they were gurgling and smiling and tugging at the blanket and squirming to get out and explore this big new world they were in. And he remembers how his mum and dad had told the both of them 'oh, you're going to go far aren't you my little one?' but they never said that to him with as much certainty, he knows, he asked his older cousin who was there at his birth for the video.

He can get a girlfriend a year older than him who's a pole dancer and hang around with the druggies at school and break curfew and work his arse off on school work but it doesn't matter.

Because Karen will still be able to argue her point much better than him for whoever she goes out with and Ben will always think up something totally crazy to do for an assignment that although will send half his class home sick will get him the highest marks. He remembers how his brother re-enacted the symptoms of the Black Death to his class and got an A because he frothed at the mouth and how he only got a B- for showing a PowerPoint that he had worked on for five hours.

And Ben and Karen will play crazy games like 'spot the lesbian' or 'chav or hobo?' and keep dead pigeons in their sock drawers and play Narnia with the lion statues when they go on a day trip.

And even though the teachers snap rulers and their parents scream in frustration, for every crazy thing there's a smile somewhere underneath because it's obvious these two will go so far so fast and so brilliantly.

And he doesn't mind that, honestly, he's less likely to get sent to prison than either of them two.

But sometimes, just sometimes, Jake wished he had that spark.


	2. how to save a life

_Step one: you say we need to talk  
He walks, you say, "Sit down, it's just a talk."  
He smiles politely back at you  
You stare politely right on through  
Some sort of window to your right  
As he goes left and you stay right  
Between the lines of fear and blame  
You begin to wonder why you came_

Sue knew there was something wrong with Jake, the past few weeks he had reverted into himself and barely went out or talked to any of his friends. She had 'discreetly' asked around his friends to see if they knew what was going on but came up with nothing that would explain this sudden change of attitude. So one day, when she finally had 5 minutes to spare in the life long challenge of caring for Ben and Karen, she called him down to the kitchen for a talk.

"What's up mum?" he asked, looking up at her with a naïve expression on his face.

"Jake… are you ok?" he blinked, taken aback by the unexpected question.

"Yeah, course I am." And he gave her a smile that she now knew was entirely fake.

_Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend_  
_Somewhere along in the bitterness_  
_And I would have stayed up with you all night_  
_Had I known how to save a life_

Sue wondered when Jake had stopped being her perfect little son who never caused any trouble whatsoever into this strange, tall, hiding person who never seemed to reveal his true emotions to anybody.

And she wondered when she had lost him and how she had never noticed that she had lost her eldest son and how long had he obviously felt like the different one?

_Let him know that you know best  
'Cause after all you do know best  
Try to slip past his defence  
Without granting innocence  
Lay down a list of what is wrong  
The things you've told him all along  
And pray to God he hears you  
And pray to God he hears you_

Pete had never really understood Jake. One minute he was in awe and impressed because he was smart enough to make friends with the bully to protect himself then he was tearing his hair out because the teen hadn't come home on time and he often asked himself if he should have a chat with Jake.

"Jake," he said to the younger one day, "we need to talk."

"What about?" Jake replied his tone and face carefully sculpted to show no emotions.

"You don't come home on time, you're shutting your brother and sister out of your activities and school work, you hardly talk to anyone, the list goes on."

Jake looked up at him with a smile that was also blank and utterly fake like everything else these days and simply shook his head like one might do as they observed a dog chasing its tale and he turned and walked away.

_Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend  
Somewhere along in the bitterness  
And I would have stayed up with you all night  
Had I known how to save a life_

Although he would never say as much Ben adored his elder brother. He remembered how Mum and Dad went through that rough patch shortly after Karen's first birthday and they argued all the time and how he used to cry for them to stop and how Jake although not even 7 years old would take his hand, walk him down the stairs, put on his boots and take him to the park until they had stopped shouting. He remembered how when the big mean boys would hurt him Jake made them stop and be nice and share their cookies with him.

Then, well he wasn't quite sure what happened but shortly after Jake joined secondary school he stopped wanting to play with him and stopped taking him to the swings and play in the garden with the hose. Ben was 11 now, he could be trusted, and he wanted his big brother back, the one who would eat his food as well so he could go back to his experiment with the shredder quickly and took him to the park and pushed him on the swings and played star wars in the sandbox.

"Jake," he said, as he sneaked into his brother's room one night, "can we talk?"

And his brother hastily pulled his sleeve down over his arm and chucked something shiny on the floor under the bed and tried to hide the tissues stained with red ink. "Not just now Ben," he smiled and it was so fake he just couldn't return it, "I'm busy, maybe tomorrow?"

And he nodded and walked away.

_As he begins to raise his voice  
You lower yours and grant him one last choice  
Drive until you lose the road  
Or break with the ones you've followed  
He will do one of two things  
He will admit to everything  
Or he'll say he's just not the same  
And you'll begin to wonder why you came_

Karen didn't really remember what Jake had been like when he was little. She was only 5 when he started to get an attitude and become a teenager but she treasured those few special memories she had where he was the best big brother in the whole world. Like the time they had all gone to the beach and she had slipped over and started to get cut off from the rest of her family by the tide and Jake had run bare foot across the shingle when he saw his little sister was crying and cut his feet. Or when she had been sick and had left her favourite doll on the playground and he had gone out in the snow to get it for her.

Sue and Pete were out with Ben at another parents evening and left Jake and her at home by themselves and Karen hoped they could have some of the quality time that they hadn't had in a long time. Karen waved goodbye to the trio and shut the door and frowned when she realised that Jake was no longer slumped on the sofa watching telly then heard the sound of retching upstairs and went to investigate.

The door was locked but a quick shove gained her entry and she saw her brother kneeling in front of the toilet with the pasty pallor of someone who had just puked their guts up. "You're sick," she stated bluntly.

"'s just food poisoning." He murmured weakly.

"You're sick, you've been acting weird for ages and ages." She was shouting now, scared and worried for the elder who looked so sick.

"'m fine." He said unconvincingly, trying to stand then falling and almost hitting his head on the floor.

"Yeah, you're just fine." She said, pulling him up and helping him back to his room. "What can I do?" she asked Jake softly as he hit the bed, letting her worry show through. He just smiled and mouthed 'nothing' and she walked away.

_Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend_  
_Somewhere along in the bitterness_  
_And I would have stayed up with you all night_  
_Had I known how to save a life_

When Sue went into Jake's room one morning to get him out of bed before he was late for school she screamed at the sight of his lifeless body on the bed with blood gushing down his arms and dripping into a puddle on the carpet.

Later, the police found a suicide note and gave it to Sue and Pete to read.

Dear Mum and Dad, I'm so sorry, honestly I am, I never thought I'd work up the courage to do it. Don't blame anyone for it, it is my entire fault. And I just wanted to say that I'm sorry for never having that spark that Ben and Karen have, I tried, honestly I did, but you can't make that spark you have to be born with it and I wasn't. I'm so sorry, Jake.

And Sue sobbed in Pete's arms as they both wondered just when it was that they had lost their Jake and how they had never noticed that their son was in so much pain and how they had just let Jake walk away.

_Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend_  
_Somewhere along in the bitterness_  
_And I would have stayed up with you all night_  
_Had I known how to save a life_  
_How to save a life_  
_How to save a life_

In hindsight, Karen wondered how she could have been so blind to her brother's suffering when it was practically yelling in her face. She remembered how many times she had thought she had heard him crying at night as she lay in bed and mum and dad were fast asleep, exhausted from chasing after Ben and how Jake had actually really been crying. And she hated that after all the times he had been there for her she hadn't been there the one most important time he had needed her. And she hated the fact that she had just let him walk away.

_Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend  
Somewhere along in the bitterness  
And I would have stayed up with you all night  
Had I known how to save a life_

Ben had cried for days after discovering Jake was dead. He had lay curled up under his duvet crying until he had no more tears left just like he had caught Jake doing so many times towards the end. And on day four Karen came into his room clutching the stupid sheep toy Jake had rescued from the park for her when she was sick and asked if she could stay in his bed tonight and he said yes because now Jake was gone he was the eldest and had to look after his little sister. That night a bond formed between them that they had never had before and they asked why no one had noticed their brother's suffering and they confided in each other that they hated themselves for letting Jake walk away.

_Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend  
Somewhere along in the bitterness  
And I would have stayed up with you all night  
Had I known how to save a life  
How to save a life_

And many, many years later when Ben and Karen were all grown up and Sue and Pete were an elderly couple rattling around in the big old house that had seen so many of their issues and experiments and games and arguments, Ben and Karen had children of their own.

Ben silently vowed as he held his twins as new born babies that he would never let them feel so sad and unhappy that they had to turn to that and would never let them walk away.

Karen liked to think that Jake actually had had that spark deep down, he just never showed it. And she held her new born son in her arms and knew that he had that spark and he looked exactly like Jake had done and she cried.

Sue stroked a picture of their old family and smiled, her kids, her perfect kids, and she had let one of them walk away.

The end.


End file.
